let it go- disclaimer- this post will have nothing to do with frozen

It's January 21th and I have yet to make my New Year's resolutions.  
Photo: Jackson helps Rudolph ring in the New York New Year.



Sure I have scribbled a few things on a scratch paper here and there about meal planning, long walks on the beach, and gym attendance. Yet, nothing has been written in my journal.  My journals over the years provide a insight into my desire for self improvement.  We are our own worst critics, right?  

My junior high and high school years goals included read the scriptures more, pray openly and honestly to our Heavenly Father and score water polo goals.  College gets a little more complicated when I added finish papers early (giving my mother plenty of time to proof read them), call home, write missionaries, and improve my relationship with my brother.  He refused to talk to me on the phone my freshman year.  As I got closer to the age of twenty one I added prepare for going to the Temple, which had also been a life goal and one of my personal favorites wear more lip gloss.

Both worked and I meet then later married my husband in the Temple.  After that I added goals about house keeping (not a strong talent I have) and taking care of my skin, which is horrible dry.  Motherhood brought more goals, like changing out of my pjs before 10 am and teaching my kids to say please and thank you.

In 2012, I made a goal to attempt to be more fashionable.  (giggle.... it's a work in progress)

Fast forward to 2014, I have my hands busy and my heart is full.  

My good friend has had brain surgery and is starting chemo and radiation.   In fall of 2013, when after a few weeks of hearing Steven hushed phone calls with her husband lending support, tears and being swore to secrecy so he couldn't tell me.  She broke the news to me.  I had actually prayed for diabetes the night before,  when she said Cancer my whole soul dropped.  That's what it felt like.  I knew that instant by the whispering of the Holy Ghost, I needed to do everything in my power to help her and her family.

It's been an incredible year of playdates, game nights, girls trips, and smoothie making.  I mean hello, we saw Beyonce and JayZ, Oklahoma and I bought make up for the first time in several years.  Good news is the remaining tumor is shrinking (hurray, bravo, whoopy) radiation only was for a few months,  my friend is super woman and doing so well with chemo.  I feel guilty for being unable to do more for her.  

I also had two friends have a babies and I made a goal to help one with picking up her older child and watch the toddler of the other.  While it happens a couple times a month I feel guilty being unable to help more.

Of course I wanted to reorganize my whole house and have it picture perfect ready eachday.... haha failed that one.  If only there was time, I had the energy and of course there is the fact that I need to work on my organizational skills.  

I made a goal to help Lillian every way possible.  Its vague I know, but sometimes watching and listening to her just breaks my heart.  I should be able to do more, talk to her more, be on top of therapy goals and her hearing aid settings.  I should know what to do to help help best her in the future (totally feeling overwhelmed - see prior post)

I made a goal to lose weight. (boo)  I am tall so as a pin I found on pintrest says "Tall girl problem #87 refusing to tell people what you weigh because if they don't factor in height then is sounds like a lot"   haha.  I think its funny.  That said, I should lose ten pounds.  I was close last January, I had lost five and was on track.  Then I switched birth control, and gained back the five and have stubbornly stayed ten pound above my goal.  I gained a lot during each pregnancy, I would end up weighing more then Steven.  TMI I know.  My doctors did not mind as I was able to lose it after my first two.  After Elliott I got to the lowest weight, I have ever been.  Thanks to a byu kick box class with Jenny.  Now I am just stuck.  My mom did weight watchers for her High school reunion and kick butt with loosing weight (shes always been skinny though)

I keep making excuses and honestly I exercise and enjoy eating healthy, but have refused to 'diet.'  It's a pride thing maybe or perhaps I am just afraid I will fail so why try.  

Come the holidays, I gained a few more.  Plus I always gain weight as I PMS and eat everything insight.  I blame the birth control, but perhaps I could be more self disciplined.  I also loose it as my monthly cycle continues.  

That said, I was the same weight in high school as on my wedding day.  I  currently wear the same size I did when I got married.  Sized must have changed ;-)   Why have I been sort of beating myself over the head about this?? All of it.  I think this is why I have been dragging my feet to make my new goals.  I am going to let it go. 

All of it.... I've had an amazing year, I have been happy, healthy helpful and had a lot of fun.  I even wrote a 50,000 word novel in a month, amazing, started my first hobby of jewelry making, and checked off the life goal of going to Club 33 in Disneyland.  Perhaps there was more I could have done though out the year.... but honestly I need to pat myself on the back, give myself a thumbs up, or two thumbs up, and have a little dance party.  Go me!

The magazine real simple this month has the cover let it go, part of it is about not being so hard on yourself.  DONE!  Okay well maybe it is more of a work in progress, but I am going to close the chapter on 2014 with my head held high.  There is a little article also that tells about how back in the Victorian days people would have a good-riddance party, write down their disappointments from the previous year and burn them.  I need to do that, but think I won't have time and staying up late writing this is much more therapeutic.










A selfie I before celebrating 10 years of marriage with Steven.  Looking good Alfred ;-) Selfies are so silly.

okay maybe a little let it go...